I am sorry, Cal.

I was awakened, today morning, by incessant vibrating noises. Someone rang me.

It was Calvin.

"Cal has died." (Cal is a hamster)

I went silent for a moment. Then the rest of the conversation on the phone revolved around questions like when and how it died, and more importantly, what to do with the body. The call ended with myself overwhelmed by a surreal feeling - Cal's death seemed promising yesterday - with its unusual inactive and feeble look cowering in the corner, I thought its time was about to up. Next day, the news reached me. Exactly tantamount to a dream, unforeseen and unchained. I felt surprised upon hearing the news, but the feeling faded so quickly that it left me void of emotions. Not even a faintest streak of sadness. Indeed, I have expected its death beforehand, yet surprised by the truth that it's dead. I presumed the destiny of this little creature on the day it reeked of bad omen yet I, at the bottom of my heart, ridiculously denied it. I didn't want it to die though I knew it's going to. I have even promised myself to clean the cage and play with it on the day I am back to the hostel. But Cal failed my promise: It spared the planned quality time. Later in the noon today, I went back to student's house and Calvin had already thrown its body along with the dirtied sawdust into the garbage bin outside. According to Calvin, the dead body was actually devoured by its own species, another hamster he and I reared in the same cage. Courage dwindled in me at the prospect of looking at its incomplete blood-stained carcass, or worst, the fact it was headless. I didn't even look for the garbage bin. However, the cage was washed and there was a card box next to it. I held it up and found Kilo inside, Cal's counterpart (In fact I still have difficulties recognizing them both, only to identify the one with black spot on the forehead is Kilo - it doesn't matter anymore now). I stared at the hamster, and saw a ticking clock in it. I guessed that it had the faintest idea of what had happened: Tearing pieces of meat from its chum would probably mean a new menu today, after having cracked so many sunflower seeds and corns in the past few months. Does it feel anything about Cal's death? Or devouring friend is some sort of twisted customary practice for hamster's funeral? Maybe If I were to ask Kilo in hamster tongue: Does the death of your friend ring something to you? Do you know that your own time is ticking too?

After a short discussion, Calvin and I determined to either take care of it or send it away. Maybe some pet shops would take it - Conspicuously I wanted to shrug off the responsibilities. Everyone knows what fate that awaits the forlorn Kilo in its small world. The answer is so final that the way of dealing with it is as absolute: either face it or leave it. Immediately after the death of Cal, I had this intention of getting rid of Kilo. It was because knowing the same fate that Kilo shares is as dreadful as picturing worst scenario on the day before Cal died and became indifferent when it occurred. It dawns to me that it's futile to think that oneself is more than ready to deal with all the possible consequences by making prognostications, but become apathetic when the truth has finally emerged. To be indifferent is to deny reality. To be indifferent is to shift your responsibilities to others. It's what escapist would do - and today, I see the escapism in me through Cal's death. I detest feeling sad and grief and disappointed. I despise them so much so that the death of Cal has become frivolous matter to me.

Two years back, I plunged into the similar condition when my endearing grandmother died of cancer. Now, I am typing this post, thinking when was the last time i cried. Without the courage to confront your conscience and feelings, humans shall lose what that are innate to them. I doubt if I am ever humane to be so emotionless. Reminiscing the moment when Calvin and I tapped on the glass window to signify our choice of hamsters, it certainly hurts to look at my indifference now. Anyways, I know what to do now. I certainly do - Kilo deserves to live under the same roof with me, or is worthy of my cares and loves until Calvin and I decide a better place for it.

About myself

I woke up this morning, accompanied by a feeling of uneasiness - Only to realize that I have completely put the blog out of my mind and I was supposed to do it yesterday! I am sorry, Mr Derrick! I thought of concluding my week by writing them down in the study log last night...

Alright... Now I'll talk briefly about my background (Look at the watch - its 9.22am!). I was born into a medium-sized family of five members. I am the second child and the only boy in my family. My eldest sister is 21 this year and she is pursuing her law in UK, while my youngest sister is facing her UPSR . Working as a contractor, my father would drive all-day-long to many places just to supervise the construction site and meet his clients. He works flexible hours, though. My mother is different. She's a teacher in a Chinese primary school - albeit they should have called it a day when the lessons are over, working overtime is especially common with all piles of administrative works and files and what-not (excluding marking students' works)...

Hobbies wise, they are very important for me. Life in the student house comprises of merely surfing net in the house and sparing time for study, may be with occasional outing with friends. Very often would I allocate more time on my favourite activity - Drawing. I had since childhood learnt to draw and never been bored with it - I reminisced that my first art teacher was my late grandfather. He had this wonderful scrapbook of sketches of fishes and thus, my first object to scribble on the paper was all types of marine creatures. I loved dolphins when I was a child. As I was growing up, I started to adhere to cartoons like Tom & Jerry. It was then that I exposed myself to the animes - Japanese animation and was greatly inspired by their big-eyes anime figures. Now, I am used to the Japanese drawing styles and have always drawn figures with disproportionately big eyes.

Now I am going to conclude my week from 6/1 to 9/1. I actually missed the orientation on Monday so I shall ignore it (haha...). Last year, I was told that AUSMAT were assignments-oriented and it is true! I have received all the course outlines so far and every timetable in every subject is crammed with all the projects and presentations. Not to say feeling excited, but I really anticipate the coming coursework (despite the tests) - especially the movies-making ( but I've actually forgotten to do the study log as my first assignment...) ! Anyways, I have to be really honest that EALD is the promising subject for me... It gives me this subtle feeling that, although the future coursework are going to be abundant, it would be more fun and relaxing. =) By hook or by crook, it is not wrong to feel optimistic about the subject =D (when it is said to be pressurizing and what-not...)...

By the way, I have noticed a recurring phenomenon in my life ever since I was a secondary-school student. Every new-year plan is a false hope. An annual listing of tasks has always been done in my mind and so far, as I have flashed back, all the uncompleted plans are seemingly meant to be excused by the last day of the year. I know I like to procrastinate, even in study. Resorting to last-minute revision has been so normal to me (and maybe others). However, the usefulness of this method dies out as Year 2008 is over. With all the monthly tests ahead, I have now found difficulties to adjust back to daily studying - Nevertheless, I must try. This is a promise for myself.

Last year was a hard year for me. With all the obstacles i met, I once flinched. However, life is not all beers and skittles - Adhered to my Buddhist teachings, I would say life changes every second. I have gone through all the ups and downs in life and am ready for more. Anyways, I once again apologize because I have really forgotten doing the study log. I consider it as an empty promise but I will expect better of myself in the coming week. Anyways, it is never wrong to feel optimsitic about the future, isn't it?