What More Can I Say?

Today EALD class was usual one, but Mr Derrick said something so remarkable that it urged me into writing this post right after reaching home: "You all overdramatize small little things in your blog... the generation of emo... "

Yes. I totally agree. In this stage of life, it's the daily dose of emo-ness that I thrive on to last my days. Notably, I prescribe two doses a day, one right after I wake up from sleep and another before I go to the bed. You can say that it's already an addiction, that I am so heavily accustomed to it's existence. Just like taking Ecstasy with its effects reversed. and I would throw a bet that upon reading here you would have started to question my sanity and even doubt that I'm on drug. But believe me, I wont go so low on things like that, and I'm still wise enough to keep my head.

But why emo-ness? why? I have tried to reason for the angst and anxiety in me everyday and in fact I find all sorts of explanations I came up with were ridiculous: Was it because I had depression two years ago and now is the aftermath? Or worse, the relapse of the illness? Then why do I always write deep posts in the blog now? Futile posts ranting all sorts of philosophies or slices of life which only feed on my mere imaginations, and once the supply has run out all of them would just go into dustbin! The vain pretense of know-it-all that would just be stampeded like an underdog in reality!

Everyday I professed happiness, I feigned smiles, I pretended as if I were open to criticisms and judgements - and now I am wiriting this emo post. The discrepancy of my outer self and inner self - my assessment of people - I feel so tired and frustrated everyday I reached my room in Student House. In fact, I really want to tell here that I have little or no capacity to keep my feelings, though I have spared some for the unspeakable ones. This blog may not be a personal blog, but I just want to relate to what Mr Derrick said, with half hoping everyone would share my thoughts in this post: In fact, I have seen people smiled at me and the next moment they didn't even acknowledge my existense, or sometimes eyed me coldly without a word; I tried to join people but eventually I was left alone walking out of classroom; I gave myself false hope and tried to be immuned to the fact that I was marginalised, but it was proved to be an epic fail because I am writing this post at this moment; I yielded and yielded and yielded and now shrank into a dark corner. So what the hell are all these? Huh? Should I say people who write these pessimistic shits actually try to beg for mercy or attention, that they are so pathetic to resort to advertising their misfortunes on a study log? the "overdramatize of little things"?

Daniel had once claimed, which I remember clearly, that if i don't change my mindset of this emo-ness, my life will be tough. I heed to it and for a period of time I strove to change, be optimistic, expecting to get a good friend around here. Just one that wouldn't judge me for how many marks I get, how clever I am, how ugly and fat I look. Just one in whom I can have faith. But that's proved to be useless now. Maybe the first six months of being engrossed in my world of emo-ness simply put me in the current karma.

I am surrounded by people of ingenuity, but can I be a genuine friend to them? I have an answer, and yet I don't.

The Masquerade and the Mirror

Daniel's blog header rang something in my head.

''We live Our Life Through Many Phases and Also Faces.''

Daniel, I hope its not copyrighted. Ha ha.

Well, I quoted this, partly because I like the assonance in that header, and what counterparts it, in my opinion, would be the last word that drove me into writing this post today.

During my high-school year, I took part in the school drama team. It was actually established the year I first entered secondary school, and during the five-year time It had quite a glorious winning records, though. Well, I'm not going to talk about the team itself, but the other opponent teams I met during the drama competition. I had this notion, when first enrolled in drama, that the plays would mostly be revolving around fairytale like sappy damsel-in-distress cliches and a lot of props and backdrops. However, to my utmost surprise, the issues portrayed by the drama teams were much more real, solemn and reflective. One of which was 'The Masquerade'. The play started out as three friends tried to conceal their own secrets from each other, but ended up with revelation of truth and how they tried to cope up with their problems. The drama title was a witty one, figuratively it meant that the main characters were wearing masks, masked from the truth and yet they were friends. Sarcastic indeed.

Daniel's header is quite understandable for everyone. It is very true, isn't it? Our entity seems to get nebulous from time to time: we are different people to different people. Our personality become so volatile that it seems so impossible to be true to ourselves. But, why?

Because this is the reality.

It's hypocritical to claim that one is always the same all the time. I'd say life has taught us to hold different perspectives at different things because this world is ever-changing. We are in an ever-changing dimension. From the minuscule passing of a second to the alternation of night and day, changes are cumulative. That's why we become different person, better or worse, because changes are transitional. The very nature of changing is so irresistible that we start to wonder:

Masquerade or Mirror?

We are the masquerades, ostentatious in order to disguise our insecurity. People around us, on the other hand, are the mirrors, the agent to whom we can normally compare ourselves. Everyone is a walking mirror, reflecting different things in different phases of life. This reasons for the fact that we learn and acquire knowledge from time to time. This reasons for our changes. It is us who put on the masquerades to refuse people from looking through us. An instinctive reaction to ease our insecurity. So, where do we find the middle line? Are we to feign smiles all the times but licking our wound in a corner when nobody's around? Or lose ourself from taling blinding behind people? In fact, I don't know. Everyone has their own notion, and thus the assumed middle line is subjective.

So, Masquerade and Mirror are inevitable in our life. Learn to live and adjust ourselves to it, and life'd be much more simple and easy-going.