What More Can I Say?

Today EALD class was usual one, but Mr Derrick said something so remarkable that it urged me into writing this post right after reaching home: "You all overdramatize small little things in your blog... the generation of emo... "

Yes. I totally agree. In this stage of life, it's the daily dose of emo-ness that I thrive on to last my days. Notably, I prescribe two doses a day, one right after I wake up from sleep and another before I go to the bed. You can say that it's already an addiction, that I am so heavily accustomed to it's existence. Just like taking Ecstasy with its effects reversed. and I would throw a bet that upon reading here you would have started to question my sanity and even doubt that I'm on drug. But believe me, I wont go so low on things like that, and I'm still wise enough to keep my head.

But why emo-ness? why? I have tried to reason for the angst and anxiety in me everyday and in fact I find all sorts of explanations I came up with were ridiculous: Was it because I had depression two years ago and now is the aftermath? Or worse, the relapse of the illness? Then why do I always write deep posts in the blog now? Futile posts ranting all sorts of philosophies or slices of life which only feed on my mere imaginations, and once the supply has run out all of them would just go into dustbin! The vain pretense of know-it-all that would just be stampeded like an underdog in reality!

Everyday I professed happiness, I feigned smiles, I pretended as if I were open to criticisms and judgements - and now I am wiriting this emo post. The discrepancy of my outer self and inner self - my assessment of people - I feel so tired and frustrated everyday I reached my room in Student House. In fact, I really want to tell here that I have little or no capacity to keep my feelings, though I have spared some for the unspeakable ones. This blog may not be a personal blog, but I just want to relate to what Mr Derrick said, with half hoping everyone would share my thoughts in this post: In fact, I have seen people smiled at me and the next moment they didn't even acknowledge my existense, or sometimes eyed me coldly without a word; I tried to join people but eventually I was left alone walking out of classroom; I gave myself false hope and tried to be immuned to the fact that I was marginalised, but it was proved to be an epic fail because I am writing this post at this moment; I yielded and yielded and yielded and now shrank into a dark corner. So what the hell are all these? Huh? Should I say people who write these pessimistic shits actually try to beg for mercy or attention, that they are so pathetic to resort to advertising their misfortunes on a study log? the "overdramatize of little things"?

Daniel had once claimed, which I remember clearly, that if i don't change my mindset of this emo-ness, my life will be tough. I heed to it and for a period of time I strove to change, be optimistic, expecting to get a good friend around here. Just one that wouldn't judge me for how many marks I get, how clever I am, how ugly and fat I look. Just one in whom I can have faith. But that's proved to be useless now. Maybe the first six months of being engrossed in my world of emo-ness simply put me in the current karma.

I am surrounded by people of ingenuity, but can I be a genuine friend to them? I have an answer, and yet I don't.