I am sorry, Cal.

I was awakened, today morning, by incessant vibrating noises. Someone rang me.

It was Calvin.

"Cal has died." (Cal is a hamster)

I went silent for a moment. Then the rest of the conversation on the phone revolved around questions like when and how it died, and more importantly, what to do with the body. The call ended with myself overwhelmed by a surreal feeling - Cal's death seemed promising yesterday - with its unusual inactive and feeble look cowering in the corner, I thought its time was about to up. Next day, the news reached me. Exactly tantamount to a dream, unforeseen and unchained. I felt surprised upon hearing the news, but the feeling faded so quickly that it left me void of emotions. Not even a faintest streak of sadness. Indeed, I have expected its death beforehand, yet surprised by the truth that it's dead. I presumed the destiny of this little creature on the day it reeked of bad omen yet I, at the bottom of my heart, ridiculously denied it. I didn't want it to die though I knew it's going to. I have even promised myself to clean the cage and play with it on the day I am back to the hostel. But Cal failed my promise: It spared the planned quality time. Later in the noon today, I went back to student's house and Calvin had already thrown its body along with the dirtied sawdust into the garbage bin outside. According to Calvin, the dead body was actually devoured by its own species, another hamster he and I reared in the same cage. Courage dwindled in me at the prospect of looking at its incomplete blood-stained carcass, or worst, the fact it was headless. I didn't even look for the garbage bin. However, the cage was washed and there was a card box next to it. I held it up and found Kilo inside, Cal's counterpart (In fact I still have difficulties recognizing them both, only to identify the one with black spot on the forehead is Kilo - it doesn't matter anymore now). I stared at the hamster, and saw a ticking clock in it. I guessed that it had the faintest idea of what had happened: Tearing pieces of meat from its chum would probably mean a new menu today, after having cracked so many sunflower seeds and corns in the past few months. Does it feel anything about Cal's death? Or devouring friend is some sort of twisted customary practice for hamster's funeral? Maybe If I were to ask Kilo in hamster tongue: Does the death of your friend ring something to you? Do you know that your own time is ticking too?

After a short discussion, Calvin and I determined to either take care of it or send it away. Maybe some pet shops would take it - Conspicuously I wanted to shrug off the responsibilities. Everyone knows what fate that awaits the forlorn Kilo in its small world. The answer is so final that the way of dealing with it is as absolute: either face it or leave it. Immediately after the death of Cal, I had this intention of getting rid of Kilo. It was because knowing the same fate that Kilo shares is as dreadful as picturing worst scenario on the day before Cal died and became indifferent when it occurred. It dawns to me that it's futile to think that oneself is more than ready to deal with all the possible consequences by making prognostications, but become apathetic when the truth has finally emerged. To be indifferent is to deny reality. To be indifferent is to shift your responsibilities to others. It's what escapist would do - and today, I see the escapism in me through Cal's death. I detest feeling sad and grief and disappointed. I despise them so much so that the death of Cal has become frivolous matter to me.

Two years back, I plunged into the similar condition when my endearing grandmother died of cancer. Now, I am typing this post, thinking when was the last time i cried. Without the courage to confront your conscience and feelings, humans shall lose what that are innate to them. I doubt if I am ever humane to be so emotionless. Reminiscing the moment when Calvin and I tapped on the glass window to signify our choice of hamsters, it certainly hurts to look at my indifference now. Anyways, I know what to do now. I certainly do - Kilo deserves to live under the same roof with me, or is worthy of my cares and loves until Calvin and I decide a better place for it.